Time for the true story...

As some may notice from my previous post, I just had my First Aid Course which went for 2 days. A busy, cramped up 2 days it all was. A hell lot of fun though :) The instructor was very kind enough to share stories and experiences in between although some are just gory. Nevertheless, it has been a great inspiration to myself and I'm pretty sure others as well who are passionate about being a Doctor.

The instructor, if one must know, actually played a great role in my life. She was... the fisrt person to give me an answer, the answer that I've been seeking for 1 year, 3 weeks and 3 days ago. Indeed, I still remember the date being 6th of April. It may not be THE answer but it is STILL, AN answer from those doctors who had treated me in Brunei.

The question was and had been, "How did I achieve the ability to click my hand voluntarily from all this?" In a sense that ever since the "incident" of that day, I have been able to make a clicking sound and actually let the doctors (or anyone) feel my wrist that they assume it to have been dislocated. And as thousands of X-Rays were done, no signs had been shown to have that as the case. It was normal, in fact.

I was in pain that year... ONE whole year of suffering? You know? That's just not days. And to think of how much pain I was in, both emotionally and physically, that's just... how did I survive?

It was him who helped me through, now that I recall. And it was myself as well... my ultimate tactic was to refuse any self-pity because I know it would bring me down. I know. Now that I look back, it is just unbelievable and just so over-whelming just to think how I managed to survive through it and landed here? in New Zealand?

Almost every night I cried and my self-confidence was shattering. I was stumped, I didn't how to do my ALevels with a disabled left hand (me being left handed). I became fragile and every day feels very much like a challenge to me (how am i gonna go through the day, this time?). Most of the time, especially when I tried to study, I would break down... emotionally. These are the time when I ask myself, "Who can help me? Who can stop this? Who would know what problem i'm having when even the doctors just don't know what to do with me anymore?"

The pain comes continually and worsened every night. When night passes by, that's when those tears would sometimes run down until I find it silly enough towards 6 months of suffering with it. I remember during midnights, I would try knocking my parents' bedroom ever so often but to no success. ofcourse, they had enough to deal with me when they're awake anyway. Esp when I cry. Yes, I cried a lot even excluding the ones that I had hidden to myself. My mum would let out her tears as well, fearing that one day I would lose my mind from all this. I must have.

God, I remember how worried my mum gets everyday. She would enter my room early in the morning and read me off prayers while holding my arm before I went off to school. I owe her too much that I fear I'll never be able to pay her gesture back. She's been too good. Love you mama :( and felt the thanks for the others who were back then never stopped giving me support (Yum, Papi, family, him......). My endless thanks. Why am I reminscing, I don't know.

And so how could Cheryl, my First Aid instructor played such an important role in my life? If she could have just popped infront of me sooner... last year, perhaps, I woud have never gotten into depression. I would have a life, a school life, a great year in Brunei... I would have saved all the tears I let out, both my parents had let out, the year I suffered through, the mind I was about to lose, the Faezah I turned into and just so... much... more.

The opinion (and therefore a logical possible answer) she had given me: You must have hit a tendon or a ligament w/in your hand which just somehow shifted some of those that were adjoining the carpals and the radius/ulna. Normally, this saves it from connecting the carpal and ulna together and create frictionless movement. However, since the carpals and radius/ulna were not adjoined well by the ligaments, the parts of these bones exposed to each other would cause the clicking when movement is made.

At last, it may not be THE answer but, as a patient, I feel a little more reassured than havin to listen to doctors going "Hrm, I dont know. Bones are fine. Blood is fine. You are fine". That is just depressing. Seriously depressing because then I actually went (for a year and more) "So are you saying I'm crazy to feel pain since i am FINE?" I went crazy, ballistic, angry, EVERYTHING when I hear doctors saying how FINE I acutally am. Psychological MY TUSH! IF IT IS PHSYCHOLOGICAL, why can't they even explain how I could attain such ability? Insensitive.

In NZ, they have a system where they actually do NOT just check for bones and blood? They check for tendons, ligaments and nerves as well? I want my answer and there is hope that mine, at reach, is closer than ever.

There is indeed answers (explanations) to everything.
And no, I'm never giving up on mine,
even if it takes for me to become a doctor and find it out myself.