Who am I?

The question has been hitting me for the past 2-3 months. Being around my friends 24 hours just makes me lose my identity at times. There is just so much underneath that I can't seem to exert or if I had done so, I did it in a very idiotic manner. Who am I? I wanna know myself.

Few days ago, Jack was telling me how along the path of our lives, there will be a time when we decide who we want to be and actually become that person in the end. For the past few weeks, his words had actually mirrored my thoughts. Currently, I don't think I am very much of a good person. Especially of the fact that my manners contradict my image. I want to be a humble, polite person who respects everyone and be respected in return. I want to have and improve myself of the right behaviour of a tudung girl as well as of faith in Islam and be seen like one.

I am working on it....

An example of how idiotic I can be is when I squeal from a pain that is of little and does not even reach a mild level. Since when do I do that? I hardly tell what bothers me unless it means so very little to me.

Like this: Truth is, I suffer every night and I don't think I ever squeal or even complain of that matter. My left hand, as everyone knows, is not functioning at its best. I have never told anyone this but every night, the pain comes and I would lay in my bed, waiting for it to leave as I try correcting its position. Most of the time, it leaves due to the fact that I have fallen asleep. The pain is bearable, atleast. However, there are a lot of times when I cannot stand it no matter how much I have adjusted to it. Ofcourse, being so far away from my family, complaining would not do as it would be terribly useless and would only enhance the panic within myself. I need to be strong about the pain and think of it as being normal..... however difficult that would be.

So this is something I keep to myself and it would be nice if no one talk to me about it. :)

Love life. Love everyone.

Recent stuff~

The silliest thing happened! I lost my phone card in a matter of 5 minutes >___< ! It actually happened a week ago but I just couldn’t be bothered with it since I thought that it might just have been in my room the whole time, dusting on the desk perhaps. The saddest thing is that it happened on the same day I recharged $5 on it :( .

Nevermind then :( . Life in Dunedin have been okay, maybe awesome. LOL, I can’t decide. We just had a performance last night during the Cumby Night Live. Jack had been persuading us to sing for it for days. In between of his persuasions did I finally realise he was being serious and only 3-4 days before the show did we agree to sing!

Atleast I thought i would be singing with the rest but instead, they assigned me to piano. I didn’t initially agree to it since I found the piano to be conquering Jack’s melodious guitar-playing. After everyone thought that it sounded awesome & after few rehearsals, I finally realised how nice it sounded! And there we were, excited for the show as our rehearsals ended with a great arrangement!

When the time had come for us to leave Cumby to the auditorium, Jack informed me of a bad news that there was no piano in the hall since it’s located at the foyer NEXT to it. And if I were to play, he said he would put a mic to it so that people can hear me play but would not be able to see me. To be honest, I was devastated. I mean, I really was expecting the show to have gone on as rehearsed! Everyone expected so! And to be playing in an empty room? I wouldn’t even know if I have an audience listening to me neither would I be able to keep up with the timing since I can’t hear them! Thus, I thought quitting was the best solution (which also led to a sad feeling after doing & working hard for the rehearsals)

Most of the girls said that they wouldn’t perform with the piano being played. So, Jack had an idea that he may just introduce me before the song and also promised that I would be able to hear them singing. After the whole introduce, he said he would let me sprint to the piano and that when the last verse of the song is sung out, I just sprint back on stage.

Without much choices in my hand, I agreed. At 7.30, the Cumby Night Live started and there were acts that amazed me. The others either disgusted me (SERIOUSLY) or was a bit boring. The rest of the girls were soooo nervous! I swear I should have taken a picture of them fidgeting! Haha.. And when ours were next, the girls got ready back-staged and I sat next to the foyer, prepared to leave for the piano. When Johnny introduced us UP girls, I headed off to the piano.

Jack then talked about us, how much he loved us and that we’re shy and scared to come out and he also put in extra energy just to mention “there is no alcohol in brunei” ! And when he told them to support us, I could hear them roaring. My name was not even said in that introdcution as I stood in the foyer, waiting... so I got confused and the worst part was the mic was not even on the piano yet! So I managed to call Jack on the stage asked about the mic and Johnny then accompanied me into the foyer. In fact, He held the mic throughout the whole song.

And then, Jack started strumming I’m Yours on his guitar. And when they started singing, it was the beginning for me as well. LOL, fasting forward throughout the song, I screwed up at one part (the usual part where I forgot to play the G chord “-__-) and when it was the last verse and the end for me to play, I was so scared to go outside but I had to join them. So I went out and clapped & sang with the rest, the crowd cheered and we ended the song NOT with “I’m Yours~”. Instead, we went “UP YOURSS!” with our “supposedly” middle-finger up in the air, shooting at the audience!

Ofcourse, none of us dared to give the actual middle finger. LOL, and that cracked up the whole audience and I could see Johnny’s face behind me, so stunned with his mouth opened! HAHAHA. The rest of the night, we watched more acts from the rest of the corridors and we were nominated as The Mysterious Award being the Fifth Floor/the Brunei Girls. LOL! Have we?? :P

We also won chocolates (as Jack had promised!) & a certificate for winning the "Being the Awesomest & Most Loved By Jack!". Speaking about Jack,it was most disturbing to have seen Jack putting bras on when he did his "Skits of Cumby" w the 4th Floor Boys. He noted, during his visit to our corridor at the end of the night, that it is his tradition to get nuded up on every events of Cumby. Seriously, Jack? Dont :P

What had also happened the past weeks?

1. 
   
   Lem’s Suprise Birthday Party. It went pretty succesfull! Very the Happy I AM! Dragging her out of Cumby was tiresome though! Because I was so so so worried about the time! She thought I was moody. In actuality though, I was just too worried that I might screw it all up! LOL. But in the end, she got surprised when she arrived home with the corridor all decorated up with balloons and Sasa with her Cheese Cake (which is HEAAAAVEEEEENNN~) and Jack who joined the party as well! Thanks to the guests ie. Jack, Sasa & Sylvia :D . And NOT Ang ! :P Since he mis-understood about the time! Grrr :P
2. 
   
   Drunken Kids messing with our microwave, dispenser & board. Few days ago we discovered Jack’s drawing of Simpson (on the board) being sexually assaulted by another cartoon that forced Simpson into giving him a blow-job. EW! Apparently, around 3am that morning, they used our microwave to make noodles and used our plastic cups (which we left outside) as a plate. They then left the dispenser and the microwave all dirty with the ingredients pasted across them. Gah!
3. 
   
   St. Kilda’s / St. Claire’s w Sasa/Jay-Jin/Lem/JaQy. Our actual destination was St. Claire but due to lack of responsibility of the bus driver to have not arrived accordingly, we had to hop on to the bus that led to St. Kilda, which turned out to be the beach we went during our night out in Cumby (the one in my FB’s album)! It was so so so so much more beautiful in the morning. The fresh air especially. And I couldn’t understand to point of going to St. Kilda since we wanted St. Claire but in the end, it turned out the St. Kilda is a joint beach to St. Claire. The walk went about 15-20 mins but we enjoyed it as the cool breeze rushed into our faces. We took our shoes & socks to feel the sand beneath our feet. Outcome? NOT RECOMMENDED! I went FREEZING to death! HONESTLY. Definitely not Bruneian beach. If you’re still hard on thinking that it IS like Bruneian beach, it may be so then but with a mobile, floating & invisible Air-Conditioner walking with you.

More stories, next time :) , InsyaAllah!

This week will be sooooooooo busy and I’m really being home-sick right now but I must resist this feeling now and hence, not in the mood to write about that esp about family & Zainul. It would hurt a LOT.

I have a test coming up this Saturday and the finals in 2-3 weeks. Full of practical works as well, starting tomorrow and a lot lot lot lot of thinkings to do. Plus, Jack’s Birthday is on Friday but we’re gonna give him a surprise party on Sat after the whole hustle bustle of HUBS test are done! Estimate budget (from myself alone that is) to contribute into his birthday = $15-$20. $20 is really the best I can pull off but looking at the price of the cake itself, it might not even be more than $15 :D . So anyways, busy week ahead, wish meee luck! :D

Love Life, Love Everyone.
Gotta study! See y’all!

central library

currently at the central lib. with Lem at the next slot to mine. today was a fine. Woke up from a terrible sleep as my whole body ached but the morning blues dissapeared when i had the nicest breakfast anyone can ever have: vita oats, which i got from Mah. Thx, Mah! It's just like vita nestum but BETTER! Mwahaha ... And in my food-storage, i have so stock left and i'm not sharing! Mwahaha.

Speaking of food, my indomee completely ran out. I'm having a hard time surviving already for the past few days. Lol. and i fell in love with indomee goreng PEDAS which is packed with red-coloured wrappings instead of the usual one? You may think it would be spicy but it ain't at all! I mean come on! Who can be more of a spicy-phobic than i am? hence, def recommended. Need. To. Buy. Them

Cold Nights...

Assalamualaikum,

It’s 9pm and I’m already falling asleep. Noooo~ Come on Jah! Your CHEM 191’s notes await you. Sleeping can be done later. Oh what am i saying... before I know it, my laptop wil be flooded by all the saliva “-__- (so unwoman)

I felt the day to have been unlucky and many signs, besides feelings, could back me up on this one. For instance, about 3 minutes after I placed myself at the private study slot, my lamp suddenly went dead and it was only mine among other slots in the corridor that encountered this “-_- .

Another example? I ran to get a drink at the vending machine since I realised I left my water back at Cumby (I love water T___T ). The previous guy who had been using the machine left his drink in it. And when I coined in for my water, the bottle pushed his energy drink to be popped out of the machine. So instead, I achieved HIS energy drink instead of the mineral water which I needed oh so desperately and is now stuck inside the machine.

Refusing to take out another $2 just for it, I went back and continued revising after sipping some water from the fountain. I still prefer it bottled though T__T since it can be used for days.

*sigh, even the weather was not in the mood. Terrible weather, today. It was so windy that I thought I was about to be lifted by the force of it. The weather has been getting stronger. Winter is definitely and my clothes are not enough. Getting the huge coat, as I found out this afternoon, will cost me $70 . Ohhh moneeeeeyyy $___________$ . I better call Mum first... I already know what her answer would be but.... sometimes asking for a person’s opinion, how indifferent it may be, is just a matter of listening better to our own opinion.

I don’t know how much of a good friend I am here but I try to be, anyway. I do feel I’ve given the wrong image to some but that never bothered me anyway. I know myself best. And I am happy with them, nevertheless. I mean, they are my family here and being a little too sloppy and careless, i may have to rely on them that more. I don’t know how many times have each of them helped me in so many different situations that I appreciate very much of esp the Limah 2x . Hahaha.

I am happy even more that I am not as EXTREMELY careless as I so think. Alhamdulillah. Seriously, when one knows me throughout my stay in Brunei or my life basically, one should know how completely careless I was everyweek or day even. My family knows best.

Ah yea, this Sat, after our Chem Exam during the morning, will be our BSA Movie Night (only for Bruneians) which will be held at the OUSA (5 minutes walk). Yay, I really hope it’d be worth the whole hard-work in getting through our studies for Chem AND Physics. Hehe.

Time to study!!!

Be Happy, regardless of your situation.
Assalamualaikum.

Assalamualaikum,

PHSI 191 MID-SEM EXAM IS DONE WITH! Haha i can finally relax (for a few short hours) before I start thinking about CHEM 191 EXAM which is held at the end of this week. Huuuhhh, definitely can’t wait for June (18th June precisely) by which my exams will all be finished and what awaits us then would only be our ONE month break! :D

We have some plans going on for the break. Firstly, being in Cumby totally deserted (since everyone would be leaving for their homes) gives us so many privileges!! And to not be thinking of anything, I can enjoy my holiday soooo much moreeee! Perhaps i’ll start playing the piano regularly downstairs. Love the music room :) !

Then, we will (MUST MUST MUST!!) sight-see more of the city that we’ve been in. And i will, insyaAllah, get a chance to check my hand at the hospital in Christchurch since that is the closest hospital that provides micro-surgery from Dunedin. Ya Allah, mudah2an semuanya akan berjalan lancar dengan tangan ku ani. Sembuhkan lah tanganku ini, Ya Allah. Amin Ya Robbal Alamin.

Today, Lim & I studied at the Central Library. By far, it is the best library I’ve ever been to. The private study place is just amazing. I shall have photo-sessions of this library (and maybe the Science Library and other places as well) to let myself acknowledge and appreciate better of the beautiful Uni I’ve been studying at.

Lectures were okay as usual. Ironically, I didn’t fell asleep in any of it (I think) except for a few seconds in HUBS. The only thing that maximised my awareness during that lecture was when the lecture talked about Parkinson’s Disease, one of the diseases I’ve been interested about. Coicidentally I just bought Michael J Fox’s book regarding his life experience handling this disease. I haven’t read much but will do so maybe after CHEM’s exam. So far? Interesting.

After the exam, we actually planned to construct another dance but this time to the song, Jai Ho. This time, the guest star would be Zurin’s (if you know what i mean ;D ) since she laughed at us during breakfast when we were discussing about Ms. Lim’s being the guest star at our previous song: Train’s Hey Soul Sister !! HAHA, I think we indirectly ruined the song for the people who watched it. I found it entertaining, nevertheless :D . It’d be fun if we do another one some day.

And I should say that Dibah and Lim can seriouly dance! Pffffffft! Hahaha.

Putting that aside, I miss my family back in Brunei. I miss Allahyarham Abang. I think of him everyday. Learning about the nervous system or the whole fuctions of that brain in such GREAT detail sometimes put me to tears in the middle of the lecture and the excuse I give? “Oh, I’m just soo sleepy.” It reminds me that much of you, Bang. And when I do, I pray for you in my heart that you’re all well where ever you are. You’ve been a great big brother for the past 18 years and few months of my life and forgetting about you will be the last thing I ever do in this world. And once I prayed, I feel better and focused back to the lecture. It’s true when they say “grieving is not a way to reminisce your love one. Praying for them is.”

Al-Fatihah.

Assalamualaikum.

Blog Re-opened.

Salam,

I’ve been having some thought about re-opening my public blog. Maybe this can be a good start? And if this works out well (ie. updating it regularly), then i may publicise it. I had to shut it down about more than a year ago since I find a few of the things that I’ve written was a little too private and that everyone (that i care) pratically knew what my life was up to?

Since I haven’t been much active in facebook either, I thought maybe I can communicate with the other side of the world through my writings (my old-time passion). That is if they are ever interested in my doings & life over here.

Erm, well what’s up with me now? I’m in NZ, taking Health Sciences First Year as the First Year to MBBS (Medicine). I’m sorry I couldn’t inform everyone about it since the whole preparation was terribly chaotic. I was only awarded the day before I left Brunei (Can you imagine?). Before that, it was only a maybe? Especially since my result (among other millions of problems that arised in 2009) for Chem was INVALID (X) temporarily. Only the last week I was in Brunei was I notified of the correct result and Alhamdulillah, it was more than satisfactory =) especially considering the pain I went through 2009. So Alhamdulillah, with Allah’s Blessings, I’m doing the degree I have been most passionate in and doing it in a country that provides proffesional teaching and is environmentally green with heaps of friendly/smiley people. Alhamdulillah.
So far, life is still busy like hell. Infact, I’m studying (supposedly, really) for my PHSI 191 paper tmr which will be held during night time (7-8pm). Talk about bad timing! I really hope to start loving the paper (subject) ASAP to enhance my motivation in going through it but I can’t just yet. One day, insyaAllah.

I’ll be glad once it’s done. CHEM 191 will be on Sat tho. When will these exams be over! Huhu. COME ON JAH! SEMANGAT!! Remember the words that have been said by all your loved ones! SEMANGAT.

Ya Allah, please guide me towards the right path. Amin Ya Robbal Alamin.

Cheers, Everyone!

Salam.

the world currently

I know i've literally killed this blog 3 months ago. haha. but recently, i've been having the thot of reviving it up again. not fr the purpose of being glamourous or any of that sort of sh*t. i just wanna prove to myself or to anyone infact... that by bringing this blog up again, i am capable of standing up to whatever happens instead of running away. if... you kno what i mean ;) .

Haha.. honestly, I'm not comfortable posting publically anymore. I find that privacy is just what I need these days but I realised... asking for privacy drives me away from my friends around the globe. It sorts of cause me to be socially inactive. I'm dead in Friendster... in coma in Facebook and half-alive in MSN. Hahaha.

Forgive me. I didn't mean to ignore any of my friends (including rah MD now). It's just that... catching up with you all is just so heavy for me. I admit, it is.. and I was wrong to have promised a part-time service to some of you on the internet. It's just so.. heavy 'cause I have to pile u all up with my current friends and be busy with altoghether. Plus, with the school works stuffing my hand, i'm just... really... antah. it all pushed me to give up in the end and just become inactive or tapis-ed girl. haha pakannn? lurus kah tu. haha.

anyways, 3 months are just too much to cramp up in a post so i'll stop here. but here's an update of my life: holiday from the new Katok school; alone at home; BM & Bio exams coming up; and...... him :)

Zainul Akhir.... Kerbau Ku !!!!!!! heeeeee...

oh ya, maybe ahh m gona start writing dlm malayyy beginning my next post. it's not that i've been feeling so cool using english here or even 80% of my life. i dont think i even want to!! it's just... payah bah bagiku.. my malay is an embarassment! so that's why masih a "maybe".. haha. and if you don't get it, live my life and you'll understand this lil bit pain of mine........

PS. Malas banaaa ku kn men-edit layoutnya ani.. haha.. nanti tah! biar tia bidaaa . Oh and if i've been such an ass for not replying in MSN or Facebook, really2 sorry. hehe... just don't announce my death...... yet ;)